Dr. Mason Reporting

What the doctors don't tell you about Pregnancy.... by Dr. Mason

1. The doctor didn't mention that while pregnant, your boobs and stomach merge to become ONE body part.
Yes, it's true. I laughed when my sister one day (at the beginning of our pregnancies) happened to mention this. Laughed in the way like, yea right, that doesn't happen... Oh but silly little me, it has in fact happened. Imagine my surprise when my "A" cup size boobs all of the sudden are in a "C" cup and they TOUCH my stomach... Touch when I sit, touch when I lay, touch when I stand. and let me add here.. it isn't because my boobs have become THAT large... but rather my stomach has grown up to meet them. Yep. Awkward, and very deserving of the number one thing the doctor doesn't tell you.

2. The doctor fails to mention that there is really no such thing as a perfect pregnancy or delivery (as in planned out).
Now I state this clearly still being pregnant so I have no clue about the delivery section of that statement I made up, however..I have, up until my last doctors appointment believed that my pregnancy has been perfect... And really, between us, I still think it has been pretty close to perfect! However, wham.. With 5 weeks to go, a realization hits (in the form of the doctors voice). Lucy is completely sideways and c-section is a possibility if she doesn't "turn". A c-section  unless the doctor is able  to "flip" her in two weeks..... SAY WHAT!? Flipping her... okay... I'll deal with that.  C-section? oh please no no no... We're "planning" on doing this the God intended way, thank you. See.. the "perfect" pregnancy is now surrounded in new plans.

 3. The doctor tells you that your unborn child can "hear" you, but they don't mention that the child doesn't follow directions/mind!
Continuing on from the above realization, Lucy and I have been having many pep talks about her "turning" for mommy. They go something like this, "Lucy Loo... Mommy loves you so much, don't you want to turn with your head down and legs up for her??" or "Lucy, I know you can do it... Turn, please, it will really make Mommy happy" and by the end of the day... "Lucy, mommy doesn't want to have to put you in time out... Please move, now". With of course, no "turning" movement, but just jabs and kicks from my princess,  I usually fall asleep hoping that I'll wake up to a "turned" baby... And at every 2 hr interval while I am up to pee, I check.. Nope. Nothing new, she's still sticking her bottom out of my right side. Today, I thought we had gotten somewhere... She's moved!!! Ready to know where?? Head UP and feet down... COME ON!! Seriously, Lucy... This is not what Mommy meant! 

4. So in order to "flip the baby", the doctor uses the sonogram machine to see the baby, places his hands on the outside of your womb,  locates the head and bottom of your baby, and quickly "flips" her the correct way... they tell you this part (if you are lucky, like us, and get to have this discussion) however, they leave something important out:  After the doctor flips the baby, THE BABY CAN FLIP BACK!!!
What?!! Thanks Google! I would have been slightly alarmed had I not been pre warned by this knowledge.... (side note: I am one of those people that "google" everything, if you haven't noticed)
My pep talks with Lucy now go like this  "Lucy, I want you to move, flip, turn, ON YOUR OWN... you have 2 weeks before you have to do it...two weeks before the doctor is going to look at you and see what you are up too. Oh,  and once you flip. STAY. Thanks baby, Love you.. Mom."

 Maybe this explains why she was doing this in her 4D:  HA!

 5. Know what else Google taught me that the doctor hasn't mentioned?? Well Google... and my "what to expect" books... Anyways, here it is: At any point now (after 34 weeks), I may begin to LEAK colostrum or urine.... Um hello. Did you understand that. Do YOU know what that means!??? Hold the phone while I "flip" out. Google it. Yes, that means that I could at this very moment leak "breast milk", OR pee on myself. Gee, they didn't tell you that in Sex Ed class now did they!?
 Rest assured, this has NOT happened to me... And when, or if, it does, I'll be sure to share the experience. Gag.

6. "You may have leg cramps" says the doctor... What the doctor doesn't say... "The leg cramps are comparable to someone splitting your leg in half... with an ax... while squeezing it until it falls into 1000 pieces"
Leg cramps!!!! Holy Moly. Wow. The last weeks or so I have been awakened by the worst tightening Charlie Horses ever... In both legs. Here's the picture, finally getting comfortable with my 8 pillows surrounding, I nod off to sleep when suddenly, Big momma (me) is awakened by a big hairy man splitting my shin in half with an ax! (Sometimes, I wish this were true) However, there is no big hairy man for my husbad to scare away, just the ACHING of my legs! Clearly, I cannot get up quick anymore, actually my "getting up" is more of a sluggish roll off of the side of the bed... anyways, I moan enough in the process of "getting up" during these leg cramps that several times Colby has jumped up ready to rush us off to labor and delivery (seriously!) Meanwhile...  I am left standing, hunched over the bed, trying to "stretch" out these dad-gum "cramps"... you just wait.

7. Doctors say... On the day of delivery we will do everything possible to keep you comfortable and happy... and they forget to mention: On the day of delivery.. once you arrive at the hospital...you don't get food... OR drink?!! WHAT. Say WHAT??
I have been feeding myself, and my child whatever I want, whenever I want, and how often I want... but now.. on the day of all days.. the day we have been waiting for.. you're going to hand me only ice chips and expect me to zip it? Seriously. Is this for real?   No wonder babies come out screaming and momma's look like hell.   Water keeps us beautiful... and I currently drink 18 gallons  cups of water a day. Not so exciting news... Know where I learned this?  Yep, my sister... as she was in labor two weeks ago. Oh boy, I learned a lot that day...

8. At your 36 week check up... Beware. The doctor DOES NOT prepare you for this.
I won't go into detail, I'll let you google... But here's my hints. You get "checked" and "tested for "Group B Strep"...AH HA HA. (The checking isn't SO terrible, but the way they test for the other.. uh... well.. here's my theory: some evil doctor a long time ago invented this test to terrorize the mother one last time before delivery.. that's all I'll say). 

9. How large do you think 10 cm is?   I googled it.. FOUR inches.  woooo..weee... I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

10. The longest amount of time that a lady was in labor, and lived... ready for this:  (quoted from Google, of course)   "Some women in history have been know to be in labor for up- to THREE WEEKS.  Now a days, a woman would usually receive a c-section after THIRTY HOURS if the baby has yet to crown". The  doctor DEFINITELY failed to mention this statistic! 

Now, don't get me wrong.. I ADORE my doctor.. He's the BEST, and highly recommended... after writing this post... and venting (hey, its my blog... I can vent if I want too!) I have decided... I now know WHY the Doctor doesn't tell you... it is just best to learn some things on your own. 
This, my friends, is why the human race keeps on ticking along.. One reason only:  Women have no clue what they are actually getting into when they see those two pink lines!  Can I get an amen from the mommies out there? 
Oh my.. I think I feel some leakage coming through my shirt... oh whew. Nope. Close call... that was just some left over spaghetti sauce resting on my "baby mountain" from dinner earlier...



**Disclaimer**  Kristen Mason was having one of her "moody" pregnant moments while writing this, and therefore should be excused from any comments made here in this post.  She is, as you should always remember her, a bubbly, happy, mommy- to- be, that cannot wait for God's miracle, Lucy, to arrive!

Go Be MERRY!